Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Another Small Crash & A Little Doubt

Yesterday, I felt good all day until 6pm, then crashed after about less than 2 hours gardening work. Frustrating.

Some time I had to wonder, my heart might suffer some permanent damage, because I have been doing decent job on diet and rest for over a year. It seems, every time when I felt good and tried to make a next move, I crashed. I heard long time ago that if our health condition don't get recovered by 40 year-old, it would be very hard to recover completely. I am close to 50. So chance seems slim. If I could not make further improvement, it would be very hard for me to live a quality life because it would be very hard for me to convince doctors that I have health issue, and accordingly get financial help from government which I deserve since years ago (part of reason that I recover so slowly is because I had to make living. However I am not worried too much because I believe my worst was gone).

But still, I refuse to accept this as fact, only a theory. I am about 70% recovered, will try my best. I hope after this year I will see some fundamental change.


  1. It's so hard to know about full recovery isn't it? I hear about people who have recovered, but why are almost all the people I've actually met still sick to some degree? And a good number are the same or worse. I am better in that I pace and stopped trying to live my old life. I am mostly home-bound and every time I leave to do an outing or something I end up with crashes.....so to be honest, I am either the same as 10 years ago or worse, not better. But I am much better with acceptance and living within my limits. 70% recovery sounds good, but having to live these crashes makes me thing you are right - there is some kind of irrevocable permanant damage. You are also right about deserving that disability. I don't know how I managed to get it so young, but it has saved me. I couldn't work because when I do try I fall to peices emotionally trying to push through with a sick body.

  2. it certainly is a very frustrating situation, upnorth! i found some new "trick" and hope it helps. i am still keeping hope, as one of my worst symptom - lack of oxygen when stay indoor has completely disappeared.

    i am glad you have some financial security. hope you don't feel any guilty about it because you deserved it!